Day Thirty-Two: Mindfulness, Multitasking, and Motherhood

Two years ago, I became a mother.  It's hard to capture the profundity that the addition of this role has on a person's life.  That first moment when you hold your new baby in your arms marks the moment that absolutely everything in your life changes, and you can truly never go back to the way things were.

Before I was a mother, I was a novelty seeker.  I filled up my life with experiences, education, and travel.  I took impulsive road trips without set destinations.  I hiked, and kayaked, and did yoga.  I stayed in an untouchable village in India.  I earned a Master's Degree while living in Boston.  I played the flute.  I lounged in hot springs at the base of a volcano in Costa Rica.  I spent two years as an AmeriCorps volunteer working in rape crisis centers.  I went on a camping safari in Kenya.  I learned to knit.   I climbed a Mayan pyramid in Mexico.  I taught classes at the local community college.  I saw shows on Broadway and in London.   I watched the sunrise above Table Mountain in South Africa.    I worked at MIT in Information Systems.  I swam with sharks and stingrays in Belize.  I attended protests in Washington D.C.  I worked as a flower gardener on a college campus.  I went rock hunting in Nova Scotia.  I spent 100 days going around the world on a ship.  Everyone of these experiences was wonderful, but there was always something missing.

The moment I held my son in my arms for the first time, I knew that I had found the missing piece in my life.  Some level of anxiety and urgency that I had been carrying with me disappeared and I found a peace that I had not previously known.  This sense of peace has been a constant since the moment my little Liam was born and I became a mother.

Liam

However, the transition from novelty seeker to mother has not always been easy for me.  While I had prided myself on my sense of adventure, mindfulness, self-care, and freedom prior to motherhood, it quickly became clear that the very foundation of how I had lived my life needed to change.  Gone were the days when I reveled in all of the possibilities that were available to me and I could choose how I wanted to fill my time.  Guaranteed free time became non-existent and every activity had to be done with full awareness that it might be abandoned part way through in order to care for my baby.  If my son was sleeping or content and I did have a free moment to shower, cook, clean, or do laundry, my focus would continue to be split between Liam and what I was doing.  The mindfulness I used to enjoy while completing tasks had been replaced with the sense that I was constantly multitasking.  The umbilical cord might have been cut, but there is an invisible bond between a mother and her baby that keeps her attention anchored to her child.  Try as I might, I could not wrench my attention away from my son to be fully present.  I struggled.

Liam

Except, when I was able to be fully focused on my son.  During these precious and frequent moments I experienced a sense of mindfulness that was sweeter than anything I had ever known before.  I drank my son in with my senses and was filled with wonder at the very sight of him.  His expressions and movements could bring tears of joy to my eyes.  When I was fully with him, enjoying the present moment we were sharing, I was fully at peace and filled with joy.  These moments together are sweeter than anything I have ever known.

Gracie

Enter my sweet little Gracie.  While I have fully adjusted to the sense of being constantly on call and being flexible about how I get my own needs met, I now have the needs of two babies to juggle.  With my second child, I have been blessed with the easiest, most adaptable baby.  She takes long naps during the day and sleeps basically through the night.  Liam, on the other hand, is now into everything.  While he is much more independent than he used to be, he is also much more apt to get himself into trouble.  So while I have double the potential for beautiful, mindful moments, I feel badly that I simply do not have the opportunities for one-on-one time for Gracie that I had with my firstborn.  After Liam and my husband have gone to bed, I savor the brief window of time I have with my little girl before she falls asleep for the night.  Then I take a few moments for myself before going to bed.

So tonight, after a full day celebrating Liam's birthday with family and friends and Gracie asleep in her swing, I contemplated my need to have a novel experience and decided to attempt a candle meditation.  With my gaze focused at the candle in front of me, I tried to clear my mind and focus my full attention on the flickering flame.    I spent a full fifteen minutes seeking out the mindfulness that I used to know but could not keep my focus away from my daughter's peaceful breathing a few feet away from me.  

While initially, I was frustrated and continued to try to force my focus back to the candle I eventually gave up, gathered my sleeping baby into my arms and tried it again.  Miraculously, with my daughter cradled against my belly, her home for those 9 months, I was able to experience a different kind of mindfulness.  While I was still fully aware of my baby girl, she felt like a part of me once again and I was able to incorporate her into the meditation.  My attention no longer felt split in two places when she was against my body.  Instead, we had a beautiful, mindful, loving novel moment.  My post-motherhood novel experiences might not be as glamorous and exciting as before, but sometimes they are exponentially more beautiful.  

Day Nineteen: Happiness is the Love of a Child

It is interesting to me that my favorite novel experiences have been the ones that I could never plan for or predict.  Some days I wake up with a clear image in my head of how I will seek out my novelty for the day.  Other days, I wake up foggy headed and clueless.  Today was definitely the latter!  

Simply put, today I felt exhausted.  Perhaps the effort to implement the Great Moose Hunt the day before had worn me out...  Or maybe I had fulfilled my "seeking quota" the day before...  Or perhaps it was the unexpected aftereffect of having my son chant "chocolate moose" repeatedly and without pause from that time forward...  And, probably, the intense sleep deprivation I was experiencing courtesy of my children's completely unsynchronized sleeping patterns from the previous night was no small part of the equation.  Regardless of the reason, yesterday I was a seeker.  Today, I am a slacker!  As a result, I was REALLY hoping that novelty would find me instead of the other way around.  

As it turns out, I was in luck!  Not only did novelty find me, but I can honestly say that it was the BEST NOVEL EXPERIENCE EVER!  Today, I had the good fortune of being able to lie down and nap with my son!  (In case you were wondering, NO, that is NOT the novel experience of the day.  But it was pretty darn unusual and awesome, all the same!)  As my toddler drifted off to sleep in my arms, he gently stroked my cheek and, completely out of the blue said,  "I Love you Mum-Mum."   It took a moment to register and then I was completely overwhelmed  by the incredible loveliness of the moment.  This was the first time my child spontaneously told me that he loved me and it was one of the sweetest moments of my life.  My son stroked my hair gently, as I lay there overflowing with love for my sweet baby boy.  

It was at that moment that he grabbed a clump of my hair and pulled....  hard!  While I recovered from the shock, he pulled himself up so that he could look me straight in the eyes and said, "Eat Mum-Mum's nose?" As I roused myself from my sleepy, love-drunk state and considered how to respond to this unusual request, my son opened his mouth as wide as he could and lowered his face to within a millimeter of my own.  I had to wrestle him off of me while he laughed at my efforts to protect myself.  Yup...  He's going to be two!  

Regardless of how things ended, I don't know if words can adequately express what it's like to have a child of your own state their love for you for the first time.  Sure, I had told him that I loved him countless times before this and had prompted and coached him to say it in return, but this was fully and completely initiated by him.

So while some of the novel experiences I have might be more unique, or more exciting, I can't imagine that any of the experiences I have, past or in the future, could ever be as meaningful as the one that I had today.  I am reminded once again that the most important thing we have in this life, and our most important source of happiness is love and our relationships to one another.  Add a dose of novelty, a dash of mindfulness and a whole lot of cuteness and you have the equation for one of the best moments of your life!

Day Eighteen: Seeking out a 1700 lb Chocolate Moose

Ahhh, the weekend!  Although I'm currently not working, (at least not in a traditional sense!), I still let out a huge sigh of relief when Saturday morning finally rolls around.  Perhaps this is due to habit.  Or perhaps it is because there are often so many wonderfully helpful people who come into our home wanting to nurture, play with, and love our children.  But regardless of the reason, I'm very fond of Saturday mornings!  

This morning was typical in many ways.  While my husband caught up on some much needed rest after a week of erratic sleep and too early mornings, my best friend, Angela and I enjoyed coffee, scones, and conversation.  You might remember from earlier posts that Angela has played an integral role in the creation of this experiment so, not surprisingly, conversation turned to how it has been going.  After catching her up on the tremendous amount of support and encouragement I have received, (thank you!) and the surprisingly large number of hits from multiple countries that I have had, (thank you, again!), we got down to how it has been affecting me personally.  And, dear reader, I'm honestly surprised by the huge impact that this project has had on my life in such a short period of time. 

Don't get me wrong...  I fully expected to enjoy the time that I spent experiencing novelty, but I didn't expect anything to be different during the other moments in my life.  I figured I'd have my fun for some amount of time each day, but the rest of the day would be much the same as it always has been.  Instead, I find that I've become increasingly happier and more enthusiastic about life since committing myself to this experiment.  Now, if I had been depressed or even "just OK" before taking this on that wouldn't surprise me.  But I started this project at a time when I was filled with gratitude for the blessings in my life and pretty darn happy with how everything had been going.  So to feel even happier was a total surprise!

As we are both psychotherapists, we, of course, had to analyze and process why this is.  Is it because I had lacked a creative outlet before that the act of writing a blog was filling?  Maybe.  Was it the anticipation of having a mini-adventure each day that brought excitement into my otherwise mundane life?  Maybe.  Was it that each experience was a reminder to return to the present moment and be fully mindful of what I am doing, which in my opinion is a necessary component of happiness?  Maybe, again.  I'm sure that each one of these factors is a piece of the puzzle.  However, the one change I've experienced that has stood out for me more than the others is the fact that each day I wake up feeling as though I am on a mission to seek out a novel experience.  

As I was explaining this to Angela, she made me aware of research that suggests that human beings have a need to be "seeking."  I had never heard of this before, but being the nerd that I am, I have since followed her leads and have done some research.  Some of you may have heard of Temple Grandin, the animal science researcher who has autism and was recently featured in an award winning film?  In her book, Animals Make Us Human, she talks about how the act of seeking is important to animals, (including humans), and is integral to our happiness.  At a basic level, we are hard wired to actively seek out, or hunt for, our food even though modern day conveniences make this completely unnecessary.  So, perhaps the fact that this experiment puts me in a position to be actively seeking something new everyday fulfills this animalistic need, which perhaps was not being fulfilled enough before.

And it is true that I had recently entered a phase in my life in which I wasn't sure what I was working toward.  For the first time in as long as I could remember, I didn't have a particular longterm goal that I wanted to achieve.  I had already sought out and attained the career I had wanted, the family I had wanted...  And while I felt like I SHOULD be happy just sitting back and enjoying the fruits of my labor, in all honesty I had been feeling a little bit lost.  I wonder now if needing novelty was only part of the issue...  Perhaps I needed the "seeking" part of novelty seeking more than the novelty itself!

So, as my conversation with Angela turned to the events of the day, I looked to the internet to find some options for novel experiences close to home.  And, to continue with the seeking theme, we decided to hunt for moose...  Sort of...  In actuality, I discovered that not far from where we live there is the world's ONLY life-sized chocolate moose!  And as we are great lovers of both moose and chocolate, we piled the children into the car and off we went!

Yet another mission was accomplished!  And, as an unexpected bonus, we also tracked down three chocolate bears...  and some very tasty chocolate treats!

Day Fifteen: Subpoenas and Audits and Forms, Oh My!

Well, I may be on maternity leave in theory but I've had a string of bad luck when it comes to things related to my business popping up that need my immediate response and attention.  I joke that I only get subpoenaed when I'm pregnant or on maternity leave...  But that's not really a joke.  I really HAVE only been subpoenaed for child custody cases twice:  Once when they wanted me to testify in court after having finished up at work, fully 9 months pregnant and ready to pop; and the other time, (now), when I have just given birth. Let me tell you, finding an outfit and shoes suitable for court in either of these conditions has been no small feat!  

This maternity "leave" I have been doubly lucky as the same week that I was spending hours talking with lawyers by phone, I also got notice of being audited by an insurance billing agency, (who was aware that I was on maternity leave),  and was given a 5 day response window!  Thanks, guys!  And then, when I thought my work-life couldn't become any more invasive, I received a mountain of paperwork from another agency that needed to be filled out now.  So, needless to say, I've had some things to deal with lately other than my children and this experiment!  And, I will admit, I have had some self-pitying, chocolate eating moments as a result...

The upside to this, however, is that I actually got to leave the house today without any children in tow!  In fact, I was able to be completely alone.  There was not another soul in my car with me!  So with child-inappropriate music blaring at a near-deafening volume, I drove away from my house as a completely separate entity from my children, husband and dog for the first time in nearly two months!  I was free!  This was practically a novel experience in and of itself!

After completing the work that needed to be done at my office, I sat down on my comfy couch, took a deep breath, and stared off into space.  Prior to this, I had never really understood what was meant when people described silence as "deafening."  However, at that moment my ears were literally ringing with quiet.  It was quite lovely, actually!  Sensing an opportunity for novelty, I looked around my office to see what I could find to complete today's task and found...

NOTHING!  It appears that every book, drawer, and basket is filled with things that I have used on multiple occasions.  I clearly have spent too much time in my office!  As I was about to cry Uncle and head back into the fray, I remembered an exercise that my friend Beth, (of coconut cheesecake with passion fruit glaze fame), had taken part in at a training at Kripalu.  

Now I have no idea who taught her this exercise, or if it can be found in a book somewhere, so my apologies about not giving the proper people credit.  However, when she described this simple but profound exercise to me I had filed it away in my brain so that I could try it during my next quiet moment...  That filing happened, oh, like, a year ago...  And that anticipated moment had finally arrived!

The exercise is simple, really:  

1.  Take a piece of paper and list the activities you take part in in a typical day in your life.  

2.  Next to each activity mark whether it is self-nurturing/energizing, neutral or draining.  

3.  Review and contemplate.

Despite the fact that I've been bemoaning having to work during my maternity leave, this exercise shed some light on how good my life actually is right now.  The vast majority of my time is spent taking part in activities that are self-nurturing, energizing, or neutral.  And, when draining activities happen, often they would actually be neutral or even enjoyable if it weren't for the fact that I was trying to multitask.  Like, for instance, when I'm trying to start a load of laundry while keeping an eye on my toddler so that he doesn't try to hit his sister with his stuffed Elmo.  Or, when I'm trying to dress Gracie while Liam is trying to rip pages out of his bedtime anthology.  So, the take home message from this activity - if I can do it mindfully, without trying to do other things at the same time, almost anything I have to do in my day-to-day maternity leave life can feel rewarding rather than draining.  (I say this as I type this blog while rocking my infant to sleep in her bassinet with my foot...  But I digress!) 

And what about all of these out of the ordinary work-related activities that take me away from spending this precious time with my kids?  Trying to motivate a toddler day in and day out has taught me that attitude is everything.  If you are enthusiastic and make it fun, he will be more than thrilled to do any little chore you give to him and he will put his all into savoring the experience.  In fact, he will run back to me chanting "more" and will be disappointed if I can't find something else for him to do!  It's when we tell ourselves that something is unpleasant that it actually becomes that way!  So, I guess, my attitude has kind of sucked!

I was once told that looking at your stressors as challenges to be faced was one of three things that people who manage their stress well do. In a way, this experiment allows me the venue to make things that I would normally dread or think of as unpleasant seem more like a fun challenge.  For instance, if I actually end up having to testify in person in court, (which I got out of at the last minute last time around.  No one wanted the therapist to go into labor on the stand!), that will certainly count as a novel experience.  And I find that thinking of this as a novel experience to add to my life list makes me feel more curious than anxious.   So looking at testifying within the context of this novelty embracing experiment makes it seem a bit, well, fun?!  Weird, I know!  But I find that as I get more and more in the habit of orienting my life toward seeking novelty, even things I'm afraid of seem less terrible.  I don't think I'll be jumping out of an airplane anytime soon...  but you never know!     

Day Nine: Tea Bath

Well, I've learned a few things along the way with this project.  In addition to learning about my new experiences and about the impact of novelty on my life, I've also learned that I am tired...  And achy.  The yoga nidra practice gave me enough time and space to tune into my poor body for it to become abundantly clear that I am a hurting puppy.  I don't know if this is due to birth, or the residual effects of carrying around an extra 30-40 lbs during the last few months of pregnancy, or carrying a 30+ pound toddler up and down stairs, or sleep deprivation, or stress, but whatever the reason my body is tired and sore.  

So, with my son tucked safely away at my sister-in-law's daycare and my daughter sleeping peacefully, I decided to try to find a novel experience that would help me to address this issue.  You see, I'm a huge believer in responding to feedback.  Whether that is the feedback of a person, an experience, or my body, my belief is that many of our difficulties arise from ignoring information that is right in front of us if we choose to give it credence.  So as soon as I became aware of the SOS messages from my body, it became a priority for me to do something about it.  (Just not quite as high of a priority as almost everything else in my life!)  

Truth be told, I had hoped to find a way to justify having some sort of novel massage therapy technique...  and I may still do so.  However, today a less glamorous opportunity presented itself when my daughter slept peacefully through my entire three minute shower and I realized that I might actually get away with taking a bath!  

The more challenging question was how I could make this novel...  With a quick search of the bathroom cabinet, I found my answer.  There, unopened, was a box of herbal bath bags that had been gifted to me following a loved one's trip to Taos, New Mexico.  I'd soaked in many baths in my time, but never in a tea bath!  And the box promised to turn me into the "Goddess of the Bath!"  

So, knowing that my time was limited I quickly turned the water to hot and dropped in a tea bag hoping to give my body some well needed relief.  Ahhhh, sweet sanctuary!

My Sanctuary

OK.  Well maybe not...  My bathtub is shared with a toddler.  So honestly, it more closely resembles a shrine to Elmo than a relaxing refuge from the stressors of life.  But I can overlook that.  The fact that my bathwater more closely resembled urine than tea was a bit more challenging for me to ignore, however this was my chance and I wasn't going to miss it.  

So I lowered my exhausted self into the tub and made a distressing discovery...  For some, still unknown reason, the water was only lukewarm.  And if you've ever tried to brew a cup of tea with lukewarm water you know that this is ineffective at best.  Still, the bath did give off a pleasant, eucalyptus scent that I'm sure will be wonderful for clearing congestion the next time I have a cold.  And I loved the (very) few moments of quiet that my daughter's slumber allowed me to have.  So, perhaps this wasn't quite the novel experience I had hoped to have, but at this time in my life I appreciate any opportunity for mindful relaxation that I can get!

Day Six: Facing my Commitment Issues

Come to find out, I love blogging!  It allows me to gather mementos from my day, archive my experiences and organize my thoughts about all the happenings I might have had.  I also find that I go through my day feeling a bit like a witness or observer of my own life.  In therapy we try to teach our clients how to access this state of mind, as it allows for a greater level of mindfulness and subsequently control over one's own behaviors.  I don't know if I've attained greater self-control, but my life seems somehow more coherent when I see my day as part of an ongoing story to be told.  So, I guess what I'm getting at is I think I might continue with this project despite the anxieties I've continued to harbor. 

Here, again, is the key difference between the thrill seeker and the novelty seeker:  I am not a huge risk taker.  While I operate well under pressure, and people can be amazed by my calm exterior in crisis situations, I tend to avoid things that make me anxious.  These things include heights, dentists, snakes, judgment and criticism.  Sharing what I'm doing on Facebook makes sense as a first step, however do I really want to open myself up to the judgment of not only my closest friends and family, but also to that kid I sat next to in third grade, my mechanic, my high school "frenemy" who used to, as my teenage clients would put it, "run her mouth" about me behind my back, and several ex-boyfriends...  Yikes!

That being said, I'm enjoying myself...  A lot!  And I don't want to let my aversion to the risk of being judged stop me from doing something that I love.  So I guess I've committed myself to this project and this blog for the next 359 days of my life.  Let the adventure begin!

As I've decided that I'm going to complete this experiment, today's novel experience was to obtain a copyright for my blog.  I'm not sure it's entirely necessary, but did you catch that part about me not being a risk taker?  I've heard too many stories of people's writing being stolen online and sometimes used in ways that they did not approve of.  Better safe than sorry!

There are several different ways to copyright material, and supposedly anything you write is immediately protected by copyright.  Even so, I have obtained or begun to pursue the three protections that I learned of.  I won't bore you with the details, but I will post the links I found to be most useful in the Nerd's Corner for those who might be interested in learning more about how to do this. 

So here is one type of copyright that I obtained today:

The Novel Experience Experiment by Christy A. Cole-Burrows is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.

Isn't she beautiful?! 

Ironically enough, while I was writing the first draft of this post I received an email from a friend of mine who teaches a college course on Positive Psychology asking if she could use my blog with her students!  Very flattering and exciting!  However, there's really no turning back now!

© 2011 Christy A. Cole-Burrows  All Rights Reserved.

Day Two - A Day in the Life...

So today I jumped out of an airplane...  Well, not really!  I lied again.  But doesn't this seem like the way this project should have begun - with some sort of grand gesture on my part? 

I actually decided that my first day embracing this project should take the exact opposite approach.  While I considered planning out some sort of amazing feat, I decided that it would be more useful for me to just live my life and see what happened. 

You see, I'm having commitment issues with my blog today.  In fact, I've considered throwing in the towel multiple times and have accessed every excuse in the book.  Some of them are really good excuses, too!  Like the fact that I am the mother of two children under the age of two...  And the fact that I am halfway through my maternity leave and very soon I will also have to run my private psychotherapy business in addition to parenting said children...  And the fact that being self-employed and on maternity leave in this country means that we have no money to speak of to try new things with...  So day two ended up being a test to see about the viability of this project.  If I could sometimes  find novel experiences in a typical boring day, then my chances of success would be multiplied exponentially.  Would enough opportunities for novelty present themselves in my normal, quite mundane day-to-day life? 

So off I went, going through the motions of my normal routines and waiting to see what, if anything, would happen.  My first novel experience of the day was having to stop at a local train crossing for the first time that I can remember.  It's possible that I've had to stop before.  Probable, even.  However, this time I had my 23-month-old son in the car with me and he was enthralled.

Having children allows you to look at things with new eyes.  This is one of the things I love most about being a mother.  The little things in life that I might not even notice are brand new and exciting to my little boy.  In fact, he starts out every day by running to our full length mirror, checking out whatever outfit I've dressed him in, and shouting "Wow!"  If only we all felt so good while looking at ourselves in the mirror! 

The Buddhists say that when we look at the world in this way, we are accessing our "beginner's mind."  Having an experience while being fully present, or mindful, allows us to see everything as new and wonderful.  So this time when the train went by I paid attention and rather than seeing it as an inconvenience, I was able to access my inner two-year-old.  Wow!

That evening my husband and I decided to brave going out to eat with two children under the age of two.  With the exception of the period of time when I went to change my daughter's diaper in the restroom and could hear my son screaming "Mum-Mum" at the top of his lungs from the other end of the restaurant, the dinner went well.  This allowed me to truly enjoy novel experience number two - Butternut Squash Ravioli in a Maple Butter Sauce. 

Yes, those are pears,cranberries, and walnuts sitting atop that yummy ravioli goodness!  It was delicious!  And I am quite certain that I have never before consumed a pasta dish that is topped with fruits rather than vegetables.  Oh, the culinary wonders this project will allow me to taste!

Finally, the day ended with a family reunion...  over Skype.  My son is incredibly close to my mother who is currently living down south for the winter.  For three weeks after the birth of our daughter, Grandma never left little Liam's side and he's missed her terribly since she's returned to her home.  This was the first time I've used Skype in this capacity and it was heart warming.  We're looking forward to having Grandma read him his bedtime stories sometime in the near future!

So did enough opportunities for novelty present themselves within my normal, quiet, day-to-day life?  In the end, the answer was a resounding "yes!"  I can't tell you that any earth-shattering, life-altering opportunities arose for me, but it wasn't as hard to find novel experiences as I had originally imagined it might be.  I know that some days I'll have to identify and plan for novel activities ahead of time; some experiences I may have to start preparations for well in advance; but ocassionally, things will just happen organically. 

So, in conclusion, my commitment issues have eased up a bit.  There are still very real barriers to me making this relationship work, but everything worth doing is a challenge!  So, while I'm not yet married to this blog, I guess at the very least we're dating exclusively and only time will tell where this relationship is headed!